An Open Letter To Borry J - 24/05/2021

 Dear Boris,

The absolute cheek of the 1% pay rise for the NHS staff has got to be a sick joke (if you’ll pardon the pun). According to your pal Matt Hancock, it is such a ‘small increase’ because that’s only ‘what’s affordable as a nation’. Interesting then, that even the highest paying NHS nurses are still on less than half of what you’re all being paid. You and your 6 figure salaries. It sure seems like you can afford a few bob more. I suggest you put your money where your mouth is, before you go tapping ‘the nation’ for cash. 

Of course, it is 1% more than the tories are usually willing to part with. However that is made bittersweet by the ‘real terms pay cut by almost a third’ thanks to your government. I’m no Pythagoras but that doesn’t really seem to add up to me. Quite frankly, it’s disgusting. 

Growing up playing Monopoly ‘Credit Crunch’ version, (in which the game ends, thankfully, when the bank runs out of money), I am no stranger to the notion of a UK recession. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers’ is a phrase passed round only half-jokingly at my dinner table. That being said, I cannot commend Jenny McGee more for resigning. She is the NHS nurse who kept vigil by your bed for two days when you were in intensive care, Boris. In case you’d forgotten. I would applaud her integrity, if, in the face of this recent development, 'clap for the NHS' didn't seem like such a slap in the face.

It seems harder to be ‘grateful for what you get’, when you’re losing sleep over self-important idiots who are giving you practically tuppence for your time. Maybe you should adopt that mentality to whoever gave you covid, Mr Prime Minister, because that pay rise is going to do about as much good for NHS workers as that virus did to you. 

Since I can remember, my parents have been leading me out on protests to oppose tory attempts to privatise our NHS service, despite it being one of the few good things this dire country has left. Honestly I’ve considered emigrating to Europe and giving up my almost embarrassing British citizenship at this point. At least it would get me away from you idiots making decisions about our lives in this country. Except, between Brexit, the cock-up that is coronavirus and the uselessness of the home office,  that’s not looking likely. It’s a shame you’ve not been more epistemic about this epidemic, then perhaps we might not still be in this situation. 

Of course, I’m aware living in the UK awards countless privileges. Is it too much of a stretch though, to suggest that you and your other government cronies maybe start to work like the ‘NewNew’ app, in which you could pay us (and especially NHS staff) to make decisions about people’s lives. Just a thought, seeing as you’re controlling ours anyway? I’m not seeing my bank balance creep up as you tell me I can’t see my mates, enter my university building, or even be able to afford a health check-up at this rate. 

Look, you know, I sort of get it. My lefty leaning political positioning is hardly inconspicuous. Although, to let you in on a little secret, even I’m struggling to muster the motivation to put my little cross in labour’s box on the ballot papers at this point. After the errors Starmer has been making recently, including accidentally visiting a homophobic church, as well as the overt scapegoating and neglect of the North of England, can you blame us? Especially the Northern labour supporters Liverpool upwards (and that’s me being geographically generous), who’s feelings of utter dejection and disillusionment seem perfectly justified. They’re still a million miles better than your shit-show of a political party though Boris, sweetie.

Have you seen the Guardian article, I wonder, which states that unions have described the pay rise as a ‘kick in the teeth’. Ironically, we couldn’t even afford to get those fixed if you had your way. Dear God man, why are you such a passenger to your own political party? I almost feel bad directing this at you because your incompetence is so painfully apparent that you really do just seem like a very insignificant, little man. 

Remember when you claimed that you owed the NHS your life? After coronavirus had hospitalised you? Really, even after a global pandemic affected you personally, you can’t summon up the least bit of main character energy to try and make the necessary changes so that NHS workers might get even close to what they deserve? What exactly is your job Boris mate, because all I’ve seen you do is cock things up and waste taxpayers’ money. I hope the  irony of your failure to build bridges here (both physically and metaphorically) is as apparent to you as it is to the rest of us.  

Logically, it just does not make sense to run a country as focussed on economic growth and money as the UK is, and still think that 1% is anywhere near the ‘thank you’ that the NHS deserve. And have always deserved. The pandemic has only illustrated further the lack of appreciation they receive. 'But we clapped for the NHS', you say? Shut up Boris. You’re clapped mate. Sort it out. 

I probably should have written this as a disclaimer early in my tirade, but maybe I’ve completely misinterpreted this and this is actually a humbling decision on your part, Boris. Are you somehow cryptically trying to convey that you only consider your life to be worth 1%? Is this actually a call for help? It seems a bit extreme, but if that is the case, I can only apologise for the accusations I’ve made previously, that you’re pompous and self-entitled. I had no idea you’d been chomping your way through so much humble pie while you were being shamed into providing free school meals for kids back in February. Little tip for you, you’ll be more likely to get some mental health support for that much quicker if you put a little bit more into the NHS you are so desperately and pathetically trying to slaughter. 

Anyway, I just thought I’d drop you this little note. You know what they say, ‘shy bairns’ and all that. 

Much Love, 

Annie xoxo