Having a cig with you

Having a cig with you

He says a friendly hello to the people ahead of me as they're leaving, holding the door for each of us as the last one of his group to go inside. That was Luke. Friendly, familiar, chivalrous. But never overly so. It was the sort of bare minimum amiability that, had it come from someone less attractive, would have gone unnoticed. Since I was the last one of our group to leave, he’s still holding the door as I pass through. 

He nods at me as I thank him and move slightly to transfer the faint weight of the door from his fingertips to mine, so that he can pass through and continue the rest of his night. 

Hey, he stops me. Our fingertips graze each others’ as his hand remains where it is, each of us now bearing some of the door’s weight. 

Fancy hanging back with me a sec while I have a cig? 

His face is unbothered, like he doesn’t mind what my answer is either way. Like he’s asked only because it was the polite thing to do, despite us never having had a cigarette with each other before. 

I’m critically aware of the closeness of our bodies in the doorway of the pub. And of Luke’s height as he looks down at me, waiting for my response. 

I look after the group I was with. They’ve already disappeared into the pub a few doors down the same visible stretch of road. 

Sure. I hear myself saying. 

Lola always joked that I was an anti-social smoker. The only reason you ever have a cigarette when we go out is to escape from group settings. 

I smoke with you. I’d point out. 

Yeah but I don’t count as another person to you, Lola would say. This, she’d gesture to the air between our bodies, isn’t socialising. This is just being. 

Cig? Luke offers, holding out his pack towards me. 

I’ll roll one. Thanks though. 

Ah. He says, lighting the cigarette he’s just retrieved from behind his ear.  An independent woman in control of her own toxic consumption. I like it. 

I look at him, unable to tell whether or not he’s joking. Instead of saying something clever back, I spend the next minute rooting around in my bag for the things I need to smoke. After my big claim. 

Do you need me to hold something? he asks. I’m aware of the silence between us, and I’m unsure whether he’s asked in order to break it, or because he can see that I’m struggling. I move out of the light of the pub slightly, conscious of my heated complexion. 

Er, thanks. Yeah, actually, if you don’t mind. I pass him my phone and tobacco out of my bag while I search for filters. 

Not at all, he smiles. Although this is why you should smoke straights. 

Yeah, well. I’m about to tell him that I didn’t actually really smoke that much unless there was a situation I wanted not to be in - not that this was one of them. Or make a lame joke about not often wanting to associate with straights, neither the people nor the cigarettes. But he saves me from myself when I hear him say: 

Hello? 

I look up to see my mobile pressed to Luke’s ear. It must have started ringing while he was holding it. I never bothered having the volume on. 

Yeah I’m with her. He says. She’s fine, just struggling to find the necessary accoutrements to show me her superior rolling skills. 

Another second passes as the person on the other end says something. 

I’ll send her along to you in a second, don’t worry…Yep. Yep, she’s safe with me. Ok. Bye for now. Yep, bye. 

He hangs up, seemingly before the person on the other end has finished talking. 

I raise my eyebrow in question. 

Instead of paying my perplexity any attention, Luke inhales his cigarette again and looks out into the night. 

Um, excuse me? I grab my tobacco and my phone back from him now that I’ve found what I need. 

Oh, right. He says, smiling at me in a way that makes me almost forget that he’d just taken it upon himself to be my unsolicited guardian for the present. That was Lola. She was just wondering where you were. I let her know you were safe with me. 

I heard. I roll my eyes, knowing that a few glasses of wine ago she would have had more to say about him hanging up on her. I feel bolder now that I’ve had something to do with my hands. Am I? 

Oh. He leans in in order to light the cigarette I’m balancing between my lips while I search for my lighter. Definitely. 

In spite of myself I feel a shiver go through my body and take a drag on my cigarette. Nippy, I say, and smile back at him. 

He leans back once more, observing me. His gaze somehow makes me feel vulnerable, like he can see right into my mind. Like he can see exactly what I'm thinking. It’s not unpleasant. 

Won’t they be missing you in there? I ask him, breaking eye contact and taking another drag on my own cigarette. 

I could say the same to you, he retaliates. 

I can’t help but let out a sharp laugh. You’ve already spoken to the only person who would be missing me. 

Instead of disagreeing with me, or telling me not to be so down on myself, like I’d expected him to, he asks, with a shrug, why do you hang out with them then? 

Lola. We’re sort of a package deal. 

Doesn’t seem like you’re getting a very good deal if you’re not having a good time, he responds, stubbing out his now smoked cigarette on the wall between us. He lets it fall onto the gravel between our feet. 

I am having a good time now. I mutter under my breath. 

What? 

You can go in if you want, by the way, I say. You don’t have to stay out here and wait for me to finish mine. 

Why do you do that? He asks me sharply.

Do what? 

Luke sighs again. Maia, I literally asked you to hang out here with me. 

His answer catches me off guard and I find myself looking up at him, his face suddenly much closer to mine than it had been a minute before. 

Why? 

Because I know you’ve got more to say than you let on. I’d like to hear it, if it’s not too much of an inconvenience. 

I can feel my breathing speeding up as he moves closer. Instead of giving in, to him, to myself, I laugh. 

Is this how it works with girls for you then? You tell them you want to know them like no one else knows them, that you know they’ve got more to offer, and you’re going to be the one to tease it out of them, and that’s enough for them, is it? Is that your move? 

Luke laughs, but it's short, and sharp. He steps back from me a little. As he does, something in his face is different. I can feel that the energy has shifted. I know that I’ve opened my mouth and ruined something, whatever this was. 

With most girls I don’t usually have to tease, Luke says, straight faced. They’re normally quite happy to share. 

And what about you? I ask, the slight distance between us making me suddenly brave once again. 

What about me? Luke takes another cigarette from his pack, meeting my eyes with his as he lights it between his lips. 

You don’t seem to be all that big on sharing personal information either. 

He laughs again and the sound, soft as it cuts through the night, makes me want to die. Touché. 

As I’m flitting through my thoughts to ask him something personal, another sound, louder and more abrasive than the conversation we’d settled into, reaches us from down the street. It’s Lola. She’s shouting my name from the pub they’re now leaving. 

Hey, she bellows. Don’t think you’re stealing my dancing partner for the night. 

This makes me laugh, and as I tip my head back I can feel Luke’s eyes on me again. 

I guess that’s my cue, I tell him. 

I guess it is. 

So. Maybe I’ll see you round? Thanks for the light. I wave my now finished cigarette in the air as thanks. Dropping my arm as soon as I realise I’m still holding a stub. 

Fucking idiot, I think to myself. 

Yes, you will, Luke says, raising his own hand in a salute as I turn and walk to the sound of Lola’s voice. Enjoy your night, I think I hear him call after me, but his voice is drowned out by Lola shouting back at him. 

See you in labs, pretty boy. 

What was that, Lola whispers excitedly as I catch up and link my arm with hers. The rest of the group is already ahead of us, heading into the main town centre where all of the nightclubs are. 

Oh, nothing much, I lied. Sort of. He just wanted someone to smoke with. I was just the last one to leave.